Ba'alat Teshuva

Hiatus

2006-06-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

This is a heads up that the blog will be on hiatus until after I finish taking the bar and return from my post-bar vacation in mid-August. I just can't study for the bar and be a good wife and write stuff for my blog.

Have a happy Shavuot! I forgot to count the omer last night, so I guess I made it to 47 days. Not too bad for a first timer. I hope. :-)

Yay for me.

2006-05-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

I graduated! I'm officially a lawyer...albeit one who cannot practice in my state, but a lawyer nonetheless.

When Will My Status as a Ba'alat Teshuva End?

2006-05-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

This is something I have been wondering about. Rabbi Mordechai Y. Scher of Beyond BT has an interesting answer.

In this view, the individual and generation must do their cheshbon nefesh and measure themselves against Hashem’s Torah; but there is no need to worry about indicators of having ‘made it’. Everyone, all of creation, are working on the process of t’shuvah. The concern for the individual isn’t so much accomplishment and integration, as it is growth and contribution.
I think that throughout observant Jewry, talmidei chachamim (Torah scholars) and their wives are universally seen as role models to emulate. This is absolutely as it should be. But a vision of t’shuvah that calls for real, practical, national development and refinement requires other contributions as well. If all the tools of a culture must be brought to bear on the task of t’shuvah, then one can be making a fine and important contribution in the army, in the professions, in the trades, even in government or diplomacy. This is probably why I and my chevra didn’t feel this pressure or stress over ‘integrating’. We already were integrated just by virtue of participating and contributing.

Signs of Frumness

2006-05-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday my family had a picnic at the beach to celebrate Mother's Day. I forgot to put sunscreen on and now my skin is burned in three places: from my feet to my calves, from my hands to mid forearm, and my face and neck to my collar bone. It's sort of a Jewish version of a Farmer's tan. ;-)

White Wine for Shabbat Kiddush

2006-05-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

After my gleeful realization that my brother is coming for Shabbos tomorrow, I started rumaging around my apartment, making sure I had enough of everything. My brother is bringing the challahs, which is good, because I forgot to special order the small ones I like (my husband and I can never eat all of the big challahs). Then I start to check out the wine situation and realize that I only have white wine. I wonder to myself, can you use white wine for kiddush? No one in my family has ever used white wine for kiddush. Even though most of my family is not observant, we always used either kosher red wine or grape juice. I don't want to trek down to the wine store (which interestingly has a large selection of kosher wines) so I put "white wine for kiddush" and the word 'Shabbat' into google and this is the first result:

The gemara (Bava Batra 97a-b) says that wine for Kiddush must be fit for nesachim (libations). The ensuing discussion on applying that rule appears to reveal that grape juice and white wine are marginally fit for nesachim and fine for Kiddush. However, the gemara concludes by bringing a pasuk (Mishlei 23:31) that indicates that wine is classically red. In order to deal with the apparent contradiction, the Ramban (ad loc.) distinguishes between red wine with a tint of white (apparently, rose), which is kosher, and pure white, which is not. The Yerushalmi (Shekalim 3:2) implies that it is proper to use red wine, but that other wine can be used as well.

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 272:4) brings two opinions and writes that the custom is according to the more lenient opinion that permits the use of white wine for Kiddush. The Mishna Berura states (272:12) that if the white wine is very white and red wine is available, the red wine is preferable, in deference to the Ramban’s position. If one does not have red wine available or if the red wine is of a significantly inferior quality, one can use the white wine without compunction (ibid.). There are many opinions that, during the day, one may use anything which is categorized as chamar medina (whose exact definition we don’t have room to discuss here), and this includes all types of wine (Shulchan Aruch ibid.:9). Therefore, if one who has red and white wine of similar quality, it is preferable to do one of the following. 1) One can choose the red wine for the night and the white wine for the day. 2) Drinking wine is (if done in moderation) a positive part of the festive meals of Shabbat and Yom Tov (Shulchan Aruch, OC 250:2). Therefore, it is perfectly normal to make Kiddush on red wine and enjoy some white wine during the course of the meal. (We respect those who feel that, for educational reasons, they do not want their children to see them drinking wine beyond the minimum required by halacha. There are different, valid educational approaches on this and other issues.)

If a guest brings white wine as a gift and might be insulted if it is not used for Kiddush, this is reason enough to use it.

Huh. Go figure. It look like it might be okay. Since I think it is probably not a good idea to rely on a website I've never heard of before (although it looks legit) I think I'll ask my Rabbi at shul tomorrow night and pick up some grape juice just in case he says not to use white wine.

Shabbos Candle Lighting Times

2006-05-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, I just got an email from Hebcal letting me know that I should light my Shabbos candles at 7:26pm tomorrow night. My first thought: Hmm, 26 is my lucky number, that must mean that tomorrow is going to be a good Shabbos. Then I remembered that my brother is coming over for Shabbos dinner and going to shul with me. Good Shabbos indeed. :-)

In Defense of Stage Direction-Free Prayer

2006-05-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

I came across an interesting post at Jewschool which sort of dovetails with my post about my cousin's Bar Mitzvah.

Jews are leaving liberal Judaism because they are tired of being preached at, sung to, undereducated, underestimated, and treated like they have no potential for spiritual or technical growth in prayer. Modern Jews are also hungry for authentic and compelling prayer experiences. A new approach to tefilah that includes reducing or eliminating stage directions in favor of some focused praying and some good educational efforts might— in some communities— help stem the tide.

A Thought on Blogs

2006-05-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

It occured to me when I pushed the "Publish Post" button of my last post that I was consciously talking to the people who might read my blog as opposed to writing down my own thoughts for my own purposes. I started this blog because I wanted to write down my thoughts from the begining of my attempts to be observant because I thought it would be interesting to see how much I had changed (or how much I had stayed the same) in six months or a year or five years. I was writing for myself, not for an audience. But maybe that's not quite right, maybe I wasn't being honest with myself. If I only wanted to keep a journal for myself, then why blog, why not just save the entries on my hard drive? Is it self absorbed to think that others would want to read my journal entries? Is it weird to want others to read my journal? Is it voyeristic to read other people's personal blogs? Why do I want to put private parts of my life out on the internet for everyone to read and yet not tell my readers who I am? Thats a really weird thing to do when you think about it. "I'll share my personal failings and greatest successes with you, but I don't want you to recognize me if you pass me on the street or happen to sit next to me in shul."

I don't know what it is, but it strikes me that there is something very odd behind the thinking of an anonymous blogger, myself most definitely included. Obviously I have some sort of desire to share my life with other Jews, to seek their encouragement and advice and approval. But I don't want you to know who I am in case you think I have said something stupid or you disagree with something I've done. That's rather sad. Basically I am willing to admit to my most private personal failings so long as I don't have to suffer the consequences of public knowledge of my failings in my "real life." But the logical extension of that thought is that by admitting to things here that are probably not unique--many people have probably done what I have done and felt as I have felt--I am assuming that if my real identity was known I would suffer. That people would judge me negatively if they knew that I wasn't perfect. My thinking is so obviously bizarre that I am embarassed to admit to it even if I am anonymous. None of us are perfect. And yet, I don't think I am the only one who tries to present a perfect facade in real life, never admitting my fears and personal failings. Maybe that is the real role of the blog: a way to get everything off my chest in a totally safe way without risking anyone in my real life thinking less of me. ::laughing:: This blog is a crutch to allow me to pretend to be perfect in real life. Weird.

The Committed Marriage

2006-05-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis's book The Committed Marriage. It's well-written and thoughtful and...inspiring. I have a built in distaste for "self-help" books, so I admit I started reading the book with skepticism. In fact, if it hadn't been in the Jewish section, I would have never even seen it in the book store because my usual route through the bookstore takes me through all of my favorite sections (cookbooks, fiction, current events, magazines, history, biographies, art books, legal books, Jewish books) and purposely avoids the babysitter's club section, the new age section and most importantly, the self-help section. It's not that I don't think it possible to learn anything from a book that might help someone make positive changes in their life, it's just that I am tired of all the fads and gimmics. There is only one way to lose weight: eat less and exercise more. If you married a shmuck, you can't read a book about men and fix everything.

Anyway, I digress. I highly recommend the book if for no other reason than that the sureness Rebbetzin Jungreis has that the Torah way is the right way is inspiring and reassuring.

Thought(s) on My Cousin's Bar Mitzvah

2006-04-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

It was the most meaningless Shabbat service I have ever attended. And I think it was meaningless for all who attended, not just those of us that usually daven at Orthodox shuls (which, as far as I know, included me, my husband and my uncle).

(1) The cantor (chazzan) sang all the prayers at a note that the vast majority of the congregation couldn't reach, which caused most people to just listen to her (yes "her," there was a lot of estrogen on the bima) instead of praying. My uncle leaned over to me and asked if he was supposed to clap after she was finished singing. I felt like I was at a musical, not praying.

(2) Not only was there a piano, there was a drum. The sort of drum that you pound with your open palm. The instruments added to the musical-not-worship atmosphere. At one point, when the drum was going full force, I thought some of the congregants were going to jump up and do a lap of the conga around the shul.

(3) I get the reason behind praying in English. And it's totally okay with me that some people pray in English. I am sure G-d understands people in whatever language they are capable of praying in. But the congregation recited the English prayers in a dull monotone, like zombies who were bored out of their minds. I doubt one person in the shul was contemplating the meaning of the words that they were saying nor felt any of them in their heart. What's the point of praying in English if people aren't going to concentrate on the meaning behind the words? They might as well pray in Hebrew so that everyone at least memorizes the Hebrew and then can pray in any shul in the world. Not that anyone there would ever seek out a shul while in a foreign country. All the people there only showed up to celebrate the bar mitzvah. There wasn't a single person there because it was their regular habit to daven on Saturday mornings (other than the three previously mentioned people who usually daven at an Orthodox shul).

(4) On multiple occasions the prayers inlcuded words that most of the congregation doesn't believe to be true or the Rabbi said things that she doesn't believe nor did any of the congregation believe. For example, the Rabbi, the father of the bar mitzvah and the bar mitzvah boy himself mentioned that becoming bar mitzvah means that one is now responsible for all 613 mitzvot. Why in the world they said such a thing is beyond me. These are all people who drove to shul that morning, who never keep kosher, who hired a videographer to tape the service, who are nowhere near shomer shabbos, etc. Every single one of them, if asked, would have told you that they don't think the Torah came directly from G-d and that the commandments contained within it are not binding on modern people. Also, some of the prayers mentioned the coming of the moshiach, but the translation changed the word into things like "leader" or "king." From what I remember of my sunday school classes, Reform Jews don't believe in a moshiach, at least not in the same way that Orthodox Jews do, so why do they have prayers that mention the coming of the moshiach?

I am totally convinced that Reform Judaism (at least the variety practiced at my family's "temple") is just a social club for people who are culturally Jewish. I think they'd get more out of it if they fired their rabbi (who talks to the congregation like they're five years old and speaks Hebrew with a valley-girl accent) and cancelled services and replaced them with 13th birthday parties and Saturday morning luncheons.

---------

UPDATE: I just got an email from my parents' shul stating that the Rabbi will be conducting Torah studies on Saturday mornings. Interesting. Maybe it *will* become some of their congregants' habit to be at shul on Saturday mornings. That would be nice.

Random Thought

2006-04-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

The great thing about the internet is that I've been able to learn a lot about traditional Jewish practices/rules/etc very quickly. In the space of about 6 months I have gone from being a pretty well educated Reform Jew to having a beginning/intermediate level of knowledge about observant practices. But the really weird thing about learning online or through books is that you don't know how to pronounce strange words. For example, the other day I had to say the word pareve out loud. How was I supposed to know that it is pronounced PAR-ve and not pah-REEV? Same problem with the word cholent. I thought that the 'ch' in cholent was like the 'ch' in Chanukah. Which I guess is why, no matter how much one can learn on the internet, there is no substitute for being active within the local Jewish community. I don't want to disparage learning on the internet, because if it weren't for the dearth of information available online, I would have never had the courage to seek out an Orthodox shul, but it isn't (and will never be) a complete substitute for traditional methods of learning.

Never Forget

2006-04-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that 'never forget' means fighting genocide no matter who the victims are: US Jews leading Darfur rally planning.

Kosher Info

2006-04-25T00:49:00.000-07:00

In addition to one of my favorite j-blogs, The Kosher Blog, I wanted to point out a new website I just found: Kosher Quest. I was searching for a comprehensive list of food items that don't need a hecksher, and I found it on Kosher Quest (You can see the list here). It is very likely that this website is just "new to me," but in case anyone else was looking for the same list I was, I wanted to pass the info along.

Gevurah of Chesed

2006-04-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night, for the first time in my life, I counted one day of the Omer. I keep on meaning to write a post about how "finding" observant Judaism during the reading of Exodus has been really meaningful to me. And how much more meaningful Pesach seems in my mind. And now counting the Omer, which I had never even heard of until I stumbled across Chabad's Sefirat HaOmer webpage. However, the "Teshuva during Exodus" post will have to wait for another day. I think I need more hindsight and more time to reflect on how my life has changed in the last few months.

That is not to say that I can't navel gaze now. As I suspect all of this blog's readers know, counting the Omer seems to involve a lot of navel gazing and self improvement. I receive a short paragraph about each day's "purpose" in my inbox. Day number 2 is loving with discipline, Gevurah of Chesed:

Healthy love must always include an element of discipline. A degree of distance and respect for the other. An assessment of the persons capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Ask a parent who in the name of love has spoiled his child; or someone who suffocates their spouse with love and doesn't allow her any space of her own. Love with discretion is necessary to avoid giving to those that don't deserve it.

Is my love disciplined enough? Do others take advantage of my giving nature? Am I hurting anyone by becoming their crutch in the name of love? Am I hurting my children by forcing upon them my value system because I love them so? Do I respect the one I love or is it a selfish love? Am I sensitive to his feelings and attitudes? Do I see my beloved as an extension of myself and my needs? In my love is there as much emphasis on the one I love and his ability to contain my love as there is on me and my giving? Rain is a blessing only because it falls in drops that don't flood the fields.

Exercise for the day: Help someone on their terms not on yours. Apply yourself to their specific needs even if it takes effort.

I thought about this a lot, and I think I am guilty of some of the behavior described, especially with regard to my husband.

Last weekend he helped remove all the chametz from our freezer and pantry. He came and asked me about whether corn chips were considered chametz. I should have appreciated his effort towards doing things "right" and instead all saw all the things he did wrong or didn't know how to do. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I fought with him about chametz in the supermarket. Instead of explaining things lovingly and in a positive way, I was angry and frustrated about all the things he didn't already know. Who am I--who is not even close to perfect in her observance or knowledge--to get angry at someone else for their non-observant ways?!

I think my love has been selfish and forceful and not respectful of my husband and his feelings and attitudes. My love has been unrestrained and unfiltered. That needs to change. It will change.

Kippah vs. Yarmulke

2006-04-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that a sizable portion of American Jews call the item pictured at left a "yarmulke." I think this is a tragedy of biblical proportions. Yarmulke sounds like something that a cat coughed up, surely it is not worthy of a bit of cloth covering a man's head in order to humble himself (or show respect or to remember that G-d is always above him, etc). Kippah, now there is a word worthy of the object's important task. I urge all of you to erase the word yarmulke from your vocabulary and instead use "kippah."

Thanks, the Management.

Ger Tzadik, Where Are You?!

2006-04-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogs is/was Ger Tzadik's. The author is/was an Italian Catholic converting to Orthodox Judaism. His blog was well written and thoughtful and he always came up with topics I thought were interesting. And then, one day he posted that he would be gone for the weekend and -POOF!- he was gone, never to return. Did some sort of horrible tragedy befall him while on vacation? Did he stop loving his loyal blog readers? Does he no longer want to be a member of our tribe? Who knows. I will pay good, hard earned Monopoly money to anyone who has the inside dish on this bit of jblogosphere info.

;-)

I was Tagged!

2006-03-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

Stepima tagged me with the following blog meme:

The rules: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

1. How does the world see you? Blue in Green by Miles Davis? (who the heck knows how others see you?!)

2. Will I have a happy life? Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash

3. What do my friends really think of me? Queen of Apology by The Sounds, or there is always All Apologies by Nirvana...See the theme here?! ;-)

4. Do people secretly lust after me? Don't Know Why by Norah Jones or is it Green Eyes by Coldplay? :-P

5. How can I make myself happy? Set Me Free by Velvet Revolver

6. What should I do with my life? I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2

7. Will I ever have children? Hate to Say I Told You So by The Hives

8. What is some good advice for me? Best of You by Foo Fighters

9. How will I be remembered? DOA by Foo Fighters :-P

10. What is my signature dancing song? You don't want to see me dance...

11. What do I think my current theme song is? The Hardest Part by Coldplay

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Perfect Situation by Weezer

13. What song will play at my funeral? How Long Has This Been Going On by Ella Fitzgerald

14. What type of women / men do you like? All I Want is You The Black Crowes

15. What is my day going to be like?Beautiful Day by U2

Whew. That was harder than I thought. I used only songs I had on my iPod. Who should I tag? How about Professional Jews in Training.

G-d and Blisters

2006-03-26T01:38:00.000-08:00

Last week when I walked to shul I got really bad blisters on my feet. My husband showed up at shul (before services started) to talk to me about something and I showed him my feet. He ended up sticking around because he wanted to make sure I was able to get home okay. In the process he met the Rabbi and listened to the Torah study and service. Later in the day, while tending to my bleeding feet I muttered to myself that if G-d wanted me not to drive on Shabbat the least He could do was prevent me from getting blisters. Today, after attending services with my husband (who went for the first time) we were talking about the blisters and I said maybe it was a G-d intervening so that my husband would become more observant. His response, "Yeah, G-d works in strange ways."

:-)

Ger Tzadik, a commercial made me think of you...

2006-03-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

It was for a play titled, My Mother's Italian, My Father's Jewish and I'm in Therapy. The tagline given in the commercial was "Can you even cook kosher Italian food?!"

Technical Difficulties

2006-03-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

Some may have noticed that there was something wrong with my blog. After waiting for the problem to fix itself, which didn't work, I tried republishing which seems to have done the trick. A special thanks to e-Kvetcher who let me know that there was even a problem in the first place! :-)

Teshuva in the Digital Age

2006-03-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

I was clicking around the internet, tracking down the books suggested in this post, when I stumbled accross quite a few interesting software programs that would probably appeal to Baalei Teshuva. In a country where the Jewish population is spread out, and many Jews simply don't live very close to an Orthodox synagogue, technology might be able to fill in the gaps of their Jewish learning. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, considering that there is value in learning from a human being and being part of a community of learners, but I guess that just isn't an option for all Jews.

Listed below are some of the more interesting Jewish learning aids I found:

Brachot Blastoff

"Strap yourself in - it's time to blast off! Brachot Blastoff is a fun and exciting way to learn the correct Bracha Rishona and Achrona for many foods and, it makes memorizing the Brachot easy and fun!"

Judaic Classics

"Features a vast library of Biblical, Talmudic, Halachic, and Aggadic Literature on CD-ROM with powerful search program"

Rosetta Stone--Hebrew

"Rosetta Stone teaches Hebrew through a step-by-step sequence of carefully structured lessons, called Dynamic Immersion™. New words become associated with familiar objects, actions, and ideas. Words build to phrases and sentences in a systematic progression."

I used Rosetta Stone to learn Polish, and now I am using it to supplement the Hebrew I learned growing up, so I can personally vouch for this one.

Then there are Classic Sinai's "Free Jewish mp3 downloads on 26 all-star topics in Judaism. Jewish audio mp3s for the curious mind." I've listened to a couple. The quality is good and the subject matter was interesting. Classic Sinai has audio lectures on topics ranging from child rearing to Jewish holidays to the Jewish view of reality.

J-Books?

2006-03-03T07:50:00.000-08:00

If you were going to buy one book for someone who was considering becoming more observant (not necessarily Orthodox) and you wanted it to be a mixture of inspiration and explanation, what would it be?

Do all Orthodox Jews refrain from touching the opposite sex?

2006-03-01T13:55:00.000-08:00

I was under the impression that all Orthodox Jews refrain from touching the opposite sex (unless the person is related to them) but then I came across this comment on Beyond BT in which someone said that they know many female MO FFB dentists. How can someone be a dentist and not touch the opposite sex? I could see how there could be an exception for doctors because of the life saving angle...but I haven't heard of too many deaths from excessive plaque on teeth. Anyone care to fill me in? I am sure I am missing something obvious.

Random Thoughts

2006-02-27T19:51:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I just put my crystal Shabbos candles in the dishwasher?
Don't ever eat Maneshevitz Pareve Matzo Ball Soup. I should have known better than to even try a reconstituted soup.
Mazto ball soup is really good on rainy days (yeah, I know, I just gave away my location)
The whole world went crazy (rightfully) when a mosque was blown up, but no one in the Western World is even talking about--let alone going crazy when--a Muslim government bulldozing a country's only active synagogue.

Head Scarves

2006-02-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

Okay...I ordered two head scarves that arrived in the mail today. Let's just say that if I am going to cover my hair I am going to need a wig.

Fiddler on the Roof Japanese Style

2006-02-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to share this with my one, maybe two readers. There is currently an all Japanese production of Fiddler on the Roof! If you click on that link you'll be able to see footage of the production.

Hat tip to Jew School.

Directions

2006-02-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

I wish there was a book that just explained every aspect of what I am supposed to do in a day. Starting with waking up and ending with going to sleep and including everything in between. I feel like my learning is so random. I didn't know to say Modei Ani when I wake up in the morning until I came across a random reference in a book. I still don't know exactly what they correct format is. Do I say it while lying in bed? Do I kneel beside my bed and say it? Do I stand in my living room? Should I have my eyes closed or open? Is it said aloud or whispered? Sometimes I feel so lost because I don't even know what I don't know. I don't even know what questions to ask.

Am I supposed to come across new things by accident while learning about other aspects of Judaism? Is that the right way?

EDITED TO ADD: Duh. While responding to Stephen's post, I realized that I know where to find the answers to my questions about Modei Ani...in my siddur! Here are the relevent directions:

A Jew should wake up with gratitude to G-d for having restored his faculties and with lionlike resolve to serve his Creator. Before getting off the bed or commencing any other conversation or activity, he declares his gratitude: [recites the Modei Ani].

Missing Shabbat

2006-02-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

All week I have been looking forward to Shabbat: for the tingling feeling I get when I cover my eyes to say the bracha over the Shabbat candles, for the deep feeling of relaxation that washes over me when I say the Shema, for the weight lifted off my shoulders when I recite the Amidah, for the couple of seconds of attention the Rabbi gives me as he walks the Torah around our shul. I had even been looking forward to the slight uncomfortableness of eating bagels and cream cheese with a bunch of people I don't know.

Well. I didn't get any of that today. I overslept.

I am so embarrassed and disappointed. And I am going to have to explain to the Rabbi on this week why I wasn't in shul (I'm taking a class he is teaching). My gut instinct is to make up some sort of lie (I went to shul with my uncle at his shul? One of my cousins had his Bar Mitzvah ceremony?). But I know I can't do that. I can't lie to the Rabbi. That would be wrong. Since I have been going to shul and trying to be a "good Jew" I have noticed how often I want to tell little white lies instead of admit to some sort of minor failure on my part. The old me told little white lies a lot. One of the really crummy parts of new found observance is that you are forced to confront all the not-so-nice parts of your old self and realize how far from satisfactory the old you was. It's hard to admit sometimes. It would have been nice to get all this white lie business off my chest while silently talking to G-d at shul today. But nope. I was sleeping.

I know, I know, I can talk to G-d anytime and ask His forgiveness anytime. But it's not the same. There is a reason people like to pray in a certain way surrounded by others doing the same thing. It feels different. It feels more sincere.